Table 6 Quotations belonging to the theme shadow of the present

Awareness of psychiatric disorder(s)

70 years, two sons, experienced an unintended pregnancy: “I had children at a time when I wasn’t very aware of my psychiatric disorders. But I always knew that I was different.”

47 years, two sons: “I had myself diagnosed [with autism], and that immediately explained a whole lot, why things were always so challenging, including motherhood, which was a bit more difficult for me than for most parents of my children's friends.”

Emotions toward psychiatric stability

61 years, one daughter: “I developed a psychosis at the age of eighteen and yet I dared to get pregnant around the age of thirty. I thought, I can handle this.”

40 years, no children: “I've always known no children for me because then the whole mess [depression] would repeat itself, I'm not going to do that.”

Perceptions on desire for children

70 years, two sons, experienced an unintended pregnancy: “The fact that [name son] was born, was in my case, a conscious choice. (Interviewer: but did you have doubts about the decision?). I had some doubts; I did not actually know what I wanted [laughing]. I did not even know what I wanted to do with my life.”

62 years, no children, experienced an unintended pregnancy: “Maybe that's why I can't come to terms with it [unintended pregnancy] emotionally. It's a lot. Just traumatized.”

Status

40 years, no children: “I have had a very stable partner for about four years now, and now I sometimes think a bit [of wanting a child], but I am forty, so…”